TV View: Old football rivalries are played out – and the old cliches are wheeled out too

The great player/manager/football theologian Antonio Conte once asserted that “when you’re rivals, you can never be friends”. So far so mild. Sporting rivalry comes with various spicing levels, from the hint of background heat as frenemies to a hostility that can be measured on the Scoville chilli pepper scale – a Scotch Bonnet or Carolina Reaper intensity that cannot be diluted.
Soccer derbies offer a classic example of that feral dislike – or hatred, if you prefer – and on Sunday there were three examples. Bohemians hosted Shamrock Rovers at Dalymount Park, the 11.30am kick-off time a sober first for bitter rivals, removing any threat of misbehaving among the supporters that might frighten Coldplay concertgoers.
As a spectacle it was confined to LOITV where, for a once-off payment of €7, a viewer could access the sights and sounds of Dalymount Park. This column does not have a budget. The bells and whistles of terrestrial coverage were not available as the national broadcaster had prior engagements.
There were no such restrictions for the second match of the day, Glasgow’s Old Firm derby between Celtic and Rangers, as Sky Sports hosted the broadcast from Celtic Park. There are no visiting fans allowed for the first two league matches between the combatants this season, so the soundtrack was a Celtic symphony.
There’s a television formula for these kinds of set pieces that centres on getting a couple of former players, usually one from each of the participating teams, to provide “balanced insight”, and a third person to pick up the breaking ball. Eilidh Barbour was joined in the studio by Stiliyan Petrov (ex-Celtic), Rangers old boy Kris Boyd and the “neutral” James McFadden.
The rivalry is discussed in generic terms, past experiences, before the specifics of the latest clash get kicked about. The respective managers are interviewed. They traditionally say the square root of nothing. Brendan Rodgers responded to a question on what his Celtic team needed to do to win: “It’s about us being us.” Right then.
Rangers boss Philippe Clement ventured: “We are building a new squad, and it is very positive. I have a lot of belief in them.” In fairness to both, there is no incentive to stray from the banal. Three minutes in and the first tackle through the back of a player, Rangers’ Connor Barron the culprit.
The game is a whirlwind of activity, Rangers missing two gilt-edged chances before their nemesis Kyogo Furuhashi has a goal ruled out for the home side, a Nicolas-Gerrit Kühn hair follicle ahead of the final Rangers defender.
Celtic take the lead through Daizen Maeda six minutes later, and there follow four yellow cards in 90 seconds –– three for players, one for Alex Rae on the Rangers bench. Furuhashi gets his goal as the home side splice and dice the visitors’ defence at will. At half-time Petrov was ebullient, Boyd crestfallen, “men against boys”, but the juveniles had much the better of the opening 20 minutes after the interval, albeit without scoring.
Celtic captain Callum McGregor scored the ubiquitous “screamer”, the traditional commentator’s byword for a shot from outside the box, for the “cherry on top” moment for the home side in a 3-0 victory neatly summarised as “a tale of the expected”. Boyd lamented: “Celtic make things happen, Rangers hope things happen. It was embarrassing.”
Then it was over to “the second biggest game in Britain today”, a tongue-in-cheek tagline from the Scottish crew, in reference to Manchester United’s clash with Liverpool, clubs connected by the M62 and several lifetimes of football memories. Teams don’t need to be from the same city to harbour that fierce enmity.
No cliche was left unexpressed in the build-up phrases, such as “double Dutch”, a reference to the nationality of the respective managers Erik ten Hag and Arne Slot, and “Dutch masters”, which preceded a montage of players who have scored in previous matches.
Roy Keane was “a bit nervous” before the game and pointed to United not being able to take chances, but it was coughing them up that proved costly, Casemiro culpable in Luis Díaz’s two goals that gave Liverpool a 2-0 half-time lead. It’s the hope that kills United supporters. New season, new signings, same frailties.
Keane sighed: “Same old failings, leopards, and spots. Where’s your right back, where’s your left back? You can’t give the ball away at this level, it’s brutal.” So was Ten Hag. Casemiro didn’t reappear, 20-year-old Toby Collyer replaced the Brazilian. Kobbie Mainoo was at fault for Liverpool’s third, Salah’s 15th in 16 games against United.
For the United supporters a familiar vista, Liverpool and Man City disappearing into the distance.